For many adoptive mommas, Mother's Day is a painful holiday.
I think there are several people who assumed it would be painful for me this year. Last year - it was. I ached for you, my baby girl, and we fought and fought to pursue you and no matter what we tried, every door closed. We wondered if we would ever be able to meet you, to love you, to parent you. I felt hopeless, and Mother's Day magnified the pain. But this year it was different.
This year I had hope. And while our journey still stretches ahead - long and winding with an end date unknown - I could hold on to the promise that you would be. We had been accepted to an agency and our paperwork had been started. And on Mother's Day this year, I was elated that we were making progress!
But I think my friends and family were worried I would be sad today. So they sent me "Happy Mother's Day" messages on facebook (so very thoughtful!) and my Mom - your Grandmother - made me a Mother's Day card.
Your Daddy even took me out to lunch at my favorite Japanese place, and to my surprise, the restaurant handed out Mother's Day gifts! I was shocked when they offered me one (without knowing whether or not I was a mother - how kind of them to include me!) And I smiled when I saw that the gift was a black pearl bracelet. Sure - it was cheap fashion jewelry - but black pearls are from Thailand! And they made me think of you.
The truth is though, I wasn't sad today. Yes, of course, I missed you. I miss you every day! But today I was thinking a lot less about my desire to be your mom, and a lot more about your birth mom. I couldn't help but wonder - is she pregnant with you right now? Does she have anyone helping take care of her? Is she alone? Is she afraid? Has she already given birth to you? Has she already given you up?
I tried hard to put myself in her shoes.... to imagine this special woman who gave you life. I do not know what her situation is now... and I may never know. But today, even before I have ever laid eyes on you, even before I have become your Mommy, I am grateful to her. I am grateful that she was brave enough to give you life. I am grateful that she was selfless enough to bring you into this world. I am grateful for everything she went through while you were growing inside her.
I wish I knew who she was. I wish I could talk to her today. I wish I could protect her and you from whatever situation will separate you. Yes, I am thrilled that I will have the incredible honor to be your Mommy. But I am also heartbroken that you will have to lose her, your first mother. And today, I grieved for her, and for you.
I hope that someday, when you are home and you are older, we can find a way to honor your first mother each mother's day. I hope that we can celebrate her, because she will give me the most precious gift ever... the gift of you.