Fighting Waves

Several of you have been so sweet to ask me, or Rusty, or my Mom for an update on our adoption process. We've been telling people that we took a break for a few weeks - mostly because our house flooded and our life was crazy chaos trying to live/work/eat/sleep in the house while it was being fixed. We've also blamed our break on traveling - we've been to a couple of out of town weddings/visits over the past few weeks too. But now all that is over and I still don't want to jump back into making phone calls and writing emails. Can I be honest about the reason why? It's because I feel like I'm fighting waves.

Have you ever been hit by a big, strong wave at the beach? I mean WIPED OUT?! There you are... walking along, and out of no where it sneaks up behind you and knocks the wind right out of you! You fight for air, while it throws you up on the beach - exhausted and sputtering. You're eyes are stinging from the salt water, there's sand in your mouth (and maybe a few other places too), and your lungs and muscles are exhausted from fighting something much stronger than you.

Well that's what I feel like right now.

Each time we've set up a phone meeting with an adoption agency we have walked into the water, hand in hand, full of hope. Each time we've believed we would make progress... even if it was just a few more steps into the water. And each time, we have been beaten half to death by a nasty wave. After a few days of crying, praying, and wondering what was next - we'd walk back into the water again... and again, one more time, we'd be beaten to death by a wave that landed us RIGHT back on the shore - the EXACT place we started.

And now... I'm a little sick of the water. And if I'm being REALLY honest, I'm bitter and angry about the fact that these stupid waves are ruining my day at the beach (if you know what I mean?) Instead of being excited about our adoption, I find myself feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless. Every little thing reminds me that after months of trying we haven't made any progress. It is frustrating (and heartbreaking) beyond explanation.

I KNOW that there's a little girl out there, somewhere in Thailand, worth fighting for... but I am weary. Would you mind praying for me? I am trying hard to find the strength and courage to face the waves again.