Confession :: I've Been Accusing God

A few days ago, we were having a skype chat with our mentor, Michael. He asked about our finances, because he knew that we'd been looking for monthly ADMIN donors for our non-profit (those are the people who give to the things that keep our organization going - salary, travel costs, office expenses, etc.) We've been low on ADMIN donors for a while now, and we've had a couple of months this Fall where we almost didn't get a paycheck. Michael was trying to encourage us not to be fearful, because He knew God would come through.

When I responded to Michael about this issue though, something interesting happened. I meant to give an explanation of how I was feeling, but instead, a confession came out. (I'm a verbal processor, so sometimes when I speak things out loud, what's been going on in my heart finally makes it to my head.) I told him that I wasn't worrying about whether or not God would provide for us, because I'd realized being fearful about this, was me accusing God of something He had never done.

God has always, ALWAYS provided for our needs. We have had lean times, but we have never gone without. We have wondered where the next month of pay would come from through our organization - and then God would show up, miraculously, with not just a check - but a 6 figure check that would take care of us AND our 200+ kids overseas! I could tell you miracle story, after miracle story or how God has provided for us (including the time we didn't get paid for 10 weeks - and a friend who had no idea showed up on our doorstep with organic beef from her farm. PROVISION! Or the time we didn't know how we were going to get home for Christmas, and then we got an anonymous Christmas card with $2,000 cash inside! PROVISION!)

And yet, there have been times (even this Fall) that I have doubted God. I have worried, and paced, and wondered what would happen. I have gone through all the "What ifs" in my head. What if we stop getting paid - what will we do? What if our organization ends - how will we care for these kids?  What if we can't find another job - how we will care for ourselves? What if our adoption never happens - will we ever get our daughter from Thailand? What if, what if, what if.

But I was convicted - heavily - last week, when I realized my "What ifs" weren't just questions. They were accusations. When I stress out about the worst case scenario, what I'm really saying is, "I don't trust you God."

And if I believe that God is IN CONTROL of my life, then what I'm really doing is ACCUSING HIM of failing me. I'm accusing Him of not taking care of me. I'm accusing Him of all the horrible possibilities - that aren't yet reality.

If we were in a courtroom, I'd be unjustly accusing a man of crime He didn't commit. And the worst part is - God has 28 years of the proof of His provision in my life (and an eternity full of incredible character witnesses) that PROVE that this crime (of abandoning me, of letting me down, of not providing for my needs) will NEVER happen.

He has promised to never leave or forsake me, and to be my helper. (Hebrews 13:5-6)

He has reminded me how he cares for the lilies and the birds, and that I am worth even more to Him! He has promised me His Kingdom! (Luke 12)

He told me I could cast all my fears on Him, because He cares for me! (1 Peter 5:7)

He cares for me so much, that He sings over me and rejoices over me! He has promised to save me! (Zeph 3:17)

He has promised to give me good gifts, because He is a good Father. (Matt 7:11)

He loved me so much, that He sacrificed his own SON for ME! Can you imagine a love like that? (John 3:16)

Over and over again He has declared His love for me. He has proved to me that He cares for me. He has shown me how He provides! How DARE I accuse Him? And yet, I do.

We all do this, all the time in our lives. What if I get sick? What if I lose my job? What if Obama wins? What if Romney wins? - And then we follow that up with accusations of the worst case scenario. When we say, "If I lose my job, my family will probably starve!" We are really saying, "God, I know you won't provide for my family!" When we say, "The world is going to end if Obama wins! Obamacare is going to end us all!!!" What we're really saying is, "I trust my government more than I trust my God. God you aren't big enough or good enough to take care of me!"

HOW DARE WE?! How dare we accuse God of these lies, when all He has done is provide for us, care for us, and love us well? How dare we accuse an innocent man?

But we do. We did it to Christ on the Cross, and we are doing it again everyday with our fear. How much it must break the heart of God to be unjustly accused when He has proven again and again how much He loves us and that He will always care for us!  

I can tell you today, that I have been convicted of this and it weighs heavily on my heart. I don't ever want to allow fear to cause me to hurl unjust accusations at my God again. I don't want to grieve His heart! Instead I want to meditate on the TRUTH.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11