Thursday, September 6, 2012

Fighting Waves

Several of you have been so sweet to ask me, or Rusty, or my Mom for an update on our adoption process. We've been telling people that we took a break for a few weeks - mostly because our house flooded and our life was crazy chaos trying to live/work/eat/sleep in the house while it was being fixed. We've also blamed our break on traveling - we've been to a couple of out of town weddings/visits over the past few weeks too. But now all that is over and I still don't want to jump back into making phone calls and writing emails. Can I be honest about the reason why? It's because I feel like I'm fighting waves.


Have you ever been hit by a big, strong wave at the beach? I mean WIPED OUT?! There you are... walking along, and out of no where it sneaks up behind you and knocks the wind right out of you! You fight for air, while it throws you up on the beach - exhausted and sputtering. You're eyes are stinging from the salt water, there's sand in your mouth (and maybe a few other places too), and your lungs and muscles are exhausted from fighting something much stronger than you.

Well that's what I feel like right now.

Each time we've set up a phone meeting with an adoption agency we have walked into the water, hand in hand, full of hope. Each time we've believed we would make progress... even if it was just a few more steps into the water. And each time, we have been beaten half to death by a nasty wave. After a few days of crying, praying, and wondering what was next - we'd walk back into the water again... and again, one more time, we'd be beaten to death by a wave that landed us RIGHT back on the shore - the EXACT place we started.

And now... I'm a little sick of the water. And if I'm being REALLY honest, I'm bitter and angry about the fact that these stupid waves are ruining my day at the beach (if you know what I mean?) Instead of being excited about our adoption, I find myself feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless. Every little thing reminds me that after months of trying we haven't made any progress. It is frustrating (and heartbreaking) beyond explanation.

I KNOW that there's a little girl out there, somewhere in Thailand, worth fighting for... but I am weary. Would you mind praying for me? I am trying hard to find the strength and courage to face the waves again.

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for having the courage to share your real life journey. A friend and I were talking the other day about our adoption dreams. About how the questions isn't whether or not you could love a child that isn't from your womb like many ask. The question is if you would love them enough to fight for them EVERY SINGLE DAY for years, waiting so long, staying in the ring day after day, choosing to believe that their little hand is reaching out on the other side. It's letting nothing (and no one) tell you your dream is impossible or foolish. It's every single moment between here and when they are finally all yours.

    You have what it takes because Almighty God fights beside you. Your little girl may even be dreaming of you too from her side of the waiting. Praying SO hard with you.

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    1. YES Rach - yes, yes, yes - that is EXACTLY it! I hesitated to post this because I don't want to scare others away from adoption, but at the same time, I want to be honest and vulnerable throughout our experience. Thank you for understanding and writing this comment. I can't express how encouraging it was to read. Thank you for "getting it" - for recognizing the real reason why we're struggling. It is a fight like no other. It requires SO much of us... from us. I just have to remember that it WILL be worth it in the end!

      Thank you for understanding, thanks for reaching out, and most of all, thank you for your prayers!

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  2. I can't imagine how hard the process is. I will be praying for you.

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    1. Thank you Andrea! We appreciate those prayers!

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  3. Ericka, this is a heartbreaking, beautiful expression of how you feel. Anyone who has faced unrelenting, giant waves can comprehend the weariness, and yes sometimes anger, that sets in. God will quietly rescue you once again.

    "Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen." Ps. 77:19

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    1. Thank you for understanding Ms. Sue, and for that beautiful truth you shared! What a great verse :)

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  4. Like I told Rusty, maybe God is saying.....what's wrong with having your own child...there are a million couples out there that can't and they are probably going to get priority over you, so what the heck!!!!....you two would make a beautiful child!!!!...just saying...that is an option if you really, really want a child.....wouldn't be that bad now would it?????

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  5. Yes...you are right...I KNOW that there's a little girl out there, somewhere in Thailand, worth fighting for...and I also know that since God has made it clear to both you and Rusty that this is what He wants you to do you must continue to search and fight for her. Don't be discouraged...He will open doors that may not even be there to open right now. Be patient and Continue to trust Him...oh and take His hand and hold on tight because the waves don't seem to bother Him...remember HE CAN WALK ON WATER! Praying for you and for Kate as you continue to obey God and search for her!

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    1. Thanks Mom... I got a little teary with that reminder (that He can walk on water! ;)

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