Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Adoption doesn't have to be PLAN B

Last week, I posted a pretty vulnerable blog. In it I explained why we haven't made any new progress in our adoption (because we're emotionally exhausted from the process), and that I really needed some prayers and encouragement so that I could find the strength to keep pursuing our daughter.

Most people who read it responded with really encouraging and/or understanding comments, prayers, and scripture.... except for one.

Now before I go any further - let me just say that I don't want to discourage people from commenting on my blog. As a matter of fact, it's kind of disappointing to me that I have 100+ readers and hardly any are "commenters". I LOVE comments! I like to know who my readers are, what you're thinking and feeling, your opinions, or what you might have questions about! So I want to discuss what happened next carefully - without attacking this commenter.

Last week, when I reached out for the support I needed to keep going, what I got instead was an anonymous comment from someone who discouraged me from pursuing the adoption of our daughter in Thailand, and encouraged me to just have "kids of our own" instead. It went a little something like this ::

Like I told Rusty, maybe God is saying.....what's wrong with having your own child...there are a million couples out there that can't and they are probably going to get priority over you, so what the heck!!!! two would make a beautiful child!!!!...just saying...that is an option if you really, really want a child.....wouldn't be that bad now would it?????

Now, I addressed this comment in a status post on facebook - but after 43 comments and 98 "likes" there, I thought it might be worth discussing on my blog too (you know... for those of you who aren't my facebook friends).

Let me start by saying that I don't believe this person meant for this comment to be hurtful (even though they posted anonymously). I simply believe they either (a) don't support adoption (b) don't fully understand it (c) don't think before they speak/type or (d) all of the above. So for those of you out there who might be in the same boat, allow me to explain a few things. 

#1 - My husband and I are not idiots. If we were just trying to think of ANY way to have a child, then believe me, we could come up with the idea on our own to do it "the old fashioned way"! We know that is "an option" - we didn't need you to point that out.
#2 - While we aren't suffering from infertility (at least not that we know of - we haven't tried to have biological children yet) there are many couples out there who are. I would NEVER recommend telling someone who is trying to adopt to just "have kids of their own" without intimately knowing their situation. For a couple dealing with infertility, that would be like pouring salt in an already painful wound.

#3 - I can assure you that our adopted child will be "our own child" - she just won't be our biological child. It is really offensive to adoptive families to refer to their adopted child as anything but "their own" child.

#4 - I do really, really want a child...and while I appreciate you saying Rusty and I would make a beautiful child, the one I see when I close my eyes doesn't look like either of us. She has beautiful black hair and skin the color of brown sugar and sweet slanted eyes. Her name is Kate and she's somewhere in Thailand. And it won't matter how many biological children we have, I will still really, really want HER.
I know that last one seems crazy to some people, but believe it or not, adoption is not our Plan B. We decided first, before we even tried to have biological children, that we wanted to adopt a daughter from Thailand. As a matter of fact we not only decided, we felt called by God to do it (and He has confirmed that calling in many, many ways!) Please believe us when we say, adoption is our PLAN A! We have been given the incredible opportunity to meet hundreds of orphans and vulnerable children around the world, and we consider it an HONOR that God would choose us to parent one of these precious children.
Now that's not to say we don't want biological children someday - we will absolutely try to have biological kids too (when the Lord reveals His timing to us) and we will be so happy if God blesses our family in that way. But for now we are absolutely THRILLED and completely obsessed with the dream of adding a Thai daughter to our forever family!
Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous, I'm sure your comment was well intentioned. But when people who are called to adoption are struggling through it (and everyone does, because adoption is not easy) please don't discourage them or try to change their path. There are too many precious children out there who desperately need loving families.


  1. I hear a lot of fighting for Kate in this post. It is obvious to see she is your daughter.

    1. Thank you Andrea. After I posted this I had an emotional moment just thinking about her. I told Rusty (through tears) - "How is it possible to love and miss a child - that you don't even know - this much!?" We would give anything to have her home right now... though we would settle for just being able to find an agency to work with, and be able to move forward with our application and homestudy!

  2. I know me and Jaron can't wait to meet Kate (We need a flower girl ya know!). We pray for Rusty, you and Kate all the time. Stay strong and she'll be here before you know it! Love you guys! -Michelle

    1. Awww... she would make the cutest flower girl! (I haven't even seen her yet but I know it's true!) Thank you so much sister! I am so glad that Kate will have a sweet Aunt like you! ;) Love you too!

  3. It can't stand it when people make insensitive comments like that, especially because she was trying to be nice, just not being considerate. Will continue to pray for yall and for Kate. I am glad you decided to keep fighting for her!

  4. Our stories are so similar. Adoption was our plan A too - before even KNOWING if we could even HAVE bio kids (we never tried before adopting). This post is well written and beautifully said. Thank you for posting. (And I must say, way to go for giving the anonymous poster the benefit of the doubt, I'm not sure I could have done that!) Two of MY kids have brown skin, brown eyes, and brown hair and one is blonde and blue eyed...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    1. It's funny Katie, I thought of you (and the handful of other friends I have who adopted first) when I was writing this! (It's a pretty short but AWESOME list of people! ;)

  5. loved this. praying for ya'll as you continue down this road of pursuing your sweet Kate.

  6. Plan A for us too! But I'm sure 98% of the people in our lives still think we are adopting because we are infertile. We have been married for almost 10 years, so I can understand that people assume that, but it negates our true heart for the orphan. We CHOSE this! We CHOSE our little Z-girl, and God CHOSE us for her!
    Nearly 3 years into our process, I recently found out I have a medical condition that may affect our ability to conceive without some help. Yet, I repeat, adoption as Plan A.
    Great blog! All the best, and God-speed for your adoption!