Hello from Thailand!

Friends, please forgive me for the delayed update here on my blog! The past week held a lot of unexpected challenges that took so much of my time and attention. (Par for the course it seems with this adoption!) My plan was to update my blog with several things I've been waiting to share, and to post a blog the day before we left for Thailand - but it just wasn't possible. Instead, we spent hours and hours on the phone with 3 adoption agencies, US Immigration, and our State Senator's office trying to figure out why our final approval has been delayed. We made phone calls in the daytime and packed at night... and didn't go to bed at all the night before we left the country. I'll share more about that later - but right now I am thrilled to tell you that we are already in Thailand!

Our last day and night at home were filled with messages from friends, texts, phone calls (I'm so sorry that I couldn't reply to all of them - but every message meant so much to us!) and unexpected visits. One precious friend stopped by to give us a beautiful weighted blanket she made for Kate (thank you Katie! We love it!!!). Our across the street neighbors stopped to pray for us in their driveway, let us try out our Lillebaby Carrier on their kids, and gave us lots of goodbye hugs (Love you Anderson Fam!) And our next-door neighbors, The Clantons, came by with more hugs, more prayers, and the sweetest cards!

The oldest boy and girl (Harris and Margo) wrote part of their cards in Thai (they've been trying to learn Thai so they can talk to Kate!) and even included a donation of their own money for our "adoption fund". I cried reading their sweet cards, and cried again when they prayed for us on our back porch. We completely hit the jackpot with our neighbors you guys! They are like family to us. I can't even begin to explain all the ways they have loved and supported us through this process! And as you can see in the video below, Kate has some pretty excited playmates who cannot wait to meet her! (This is Piper and Olive - who are just 2 of the 13 kids on our block!)

We can't wait to meet Kate! from Rusty Jackson on Vimeo.

We flew out of Birmingham Friday morning at 6am. Because of all we'd been dealing with last week, I honestly didn't have time to let the significance of our travel day fully sink in. One of our mentors used to preach about how God doesn't do things quickly - but He does things SUDDENLY. I can definitely say this has been true in our case! After waiting, working, and praying for almost 5 years - I was shocked to find that our travel day was suddenly here! My parents dropped us off at the airport at 4am, and that's when I started to get emotional. Our bags were packed and we were on the way to our baby girl! It seemed so surreal!

I let the tears fall when our plane lifted off out of Birmingham. This was it - our last moment in our city as a family of 2. We flew from Birmingham to Detroit, Detroit to Seoul, South Korea, and then finally from Seoul to Bangkok, Thailand. And all along the way, precious friends wrote so many encouraging comments on our social media posts. Thank you all for cheering us on! We have never felt so loved and supported in our lives!

My sweet Mama Bear made me this shirt, and it seemed appropriate to wear it on the day we left to get our Baby Bear! Every time I saw myself in the mirror wearing it, I couldn't help but smile. I've never had anything that said "Mama" on it! And I was completely shameless all day on our travel day(s) - showing anyone and everyone pictures of our baby girl and letting them know we were on the way!

After 30+ hours of traveling, we finally landed in Bangkok at 12:40am (Sunday morning) took a 1.5 hour cab ride to our hotel in Pattaya, ate some mango and sticky rice, showered, and finally fell asleep around 6am.

Right now it's Monday evening for us (Thailand is 13 hours ahead of CST). We've spent the past 2 days trying to get over jet lag, emailing people about our final adoption approval, getting reacquainted with the city (so that we know where to find what we need once we have custody of Kate), and trying to enjoy our last few days that we'll ever have "just the two of us".

The view from our balcony in Pattaya!

We've slept (a lot), run errands, taken walks in the sunshine, had a quick stop at the beach, and enjoyed a one hour foot massage for only $6! We've also eaten plenty of mango and sticky rice, cheap, fresh sushi, banana rotees, and watermelon shakes.

Over the next few days, I hope to catch up on my blogging (so brace yourself for a lot of posts this week!) so that I can share everything I want to share here before we meet Kate. Once she's home, I plan to print out this blog for her - so I don't want to miss anything!

In the meantime - for those of you who are friends and family - don't forget to follow along on Instagram! I'll be posting blogs as often as I can, but I try to update my Facebook page and Instagram accounts daily. My username on Instagram is ErickaBJackson, Rusty's is RustyAJackson, and Kate's is MissKateJackson. If you follow Kate's account, you will have to be approved. (Her account is the only place we will be sharing photos of her face, due to specific regulations for Thai adoptions.) So for those of you with nicknames on Instagram (versus your given name) - be sure to shoot me a message letting me know who you are and how we know each other so that I can approve you!

The countdown is on! Just 3 days left (including today) until we meet Kate! ♥

One Way Tickets!

Last week I shared the wonderful news that we had our I800 approval... but that we still needed one final approval (with several steps involved) before we could take custody of Kate. As I explained in this blog, there is still a chance that the approval could come in time for us to make it to the December 1st Adoption Board Meeting - which would mean we'd be home with Kate for Christmas! But there are also a lot of unknowns.

We have been struggling the past few days about whether to not to GO or stay. If we GO to Thailand, we could be poised and ready to take custody of our daughter just as soon as the approval comes through. But we could also be "stuck" there for longer than we expected (or budgeted for). Our agency strongly suggested that we stay home until we had this approval in hand. They said it could still take weeks. And our experience and logic told us that there's a good chance we won't make the December 1st date. After all... in our (almost 5 year long) process, we've had more delays and setbacks than I can even keep up with. In my head it completely makes sense to expect the worst and to wait.

But in my heart, there is an ache for a little girl half way around the world. And as much as my faith is bruised and beaten... there's still a little bit left, deep inside, that wants desperately to HOPE and pray and prepare for a miracle.

I've been repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself a lot in the past week. The truth is, the day that this approval comes is completely out of our control. When we come home is completely out of our control. We cannot change those things. But we have the power to decide when we will go to Thailand. And I truly believe that the most courageous thing we can do right now, is to GO!

And so, after days of thinking, praying, crying, and talking - Rusty and I decided to take a chance. We decided to go for it! To muster up our last little bit of faith and hope, and to hop on a plane to Thailand - just praying for a miracle for this approval to come before December 1st. On Monday we contacted Adoption Airfare (an incredible nonprofit that has helped us tremendously with finding less expensive flights) and we booked ONE WAY TICKETS TO THAILAND!!!

Friends - we don't know when we're coming home, but we leave in 1 week! Early Friday morning, November 18th, we will get on a plane with hope in our hearts and an extra suitcase packed for Kate. And we will hope and pray the whole way there that our Article 5 approval comes quickly, so that our return flight is booked before Christmas. But if it doesn't - we've been told that we're now allowed to visit our daughter! I squealed and cried when I heard that news!!! It was the BEST email I've read in a really long time. So even if we can't take custody, we can spend some time each day with our little girl until our Article 5 approval comes. And whether or not we can take custody, the plan right now is to meet our sweet Kate on Thanksgiving Day! (I can't think of anything I could possible be more thankful for than that!)

"Wade through the fire and jump the fences, for the light we create is so much bigger than the darkness we've come through. Let the clothes burn and rip on the wire. Nothing will stop us. Nothing."        - Tyler Knott Gregson -

In exactly 2 weeks, we will have our daughter in our arms. That is still completely surreal to me. A few minutes after we booked our flights, this bracelet arrived in the mail for me. (A gift from a friend's company that I adore.) The quote inside is the one I've shared above. As soon as I read it, I burst into tears! It couldn't have been more perfect timing. We have certainly waded through fire and jumped quite a few fences to get to our daughter. We have walked through the deepest darkest places just to get to this point. But I truly believe that the love and light our little girl will bring to our lives is going to be so much bigger and brighter than anything we've ever experienced before. And nothing will stop us from getting to her now!

Please pray for us as we continue to prepare our hearts and home for our daughter! The "to do" list is long and the time is short, and I'm sure some things will be left undone.... but we'd appreciate your prayers as we work to finish up everything that we need to do before we leave. Pray too for our approval to come in quickly! We'd still love to be home for Christmas. That would truly be a dream come true. And of course, pray for Kate's heart. She is about to experience a very difficult transition, and she will need all the prayers, love, and patience we can give her.

Baby girl, we cannot wait to meet you! 

You have been in our hearts for almost 5 years, but you'll be in our arms in just 14 days! ♥

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I800 APPROVED!!!

Friends - we have WONDERFUL news! Our I800 was approved on Friday, October 28th! HALLELUJAH!!! This is our approval from US Immigration to bring our daughter into the country! This is a HUGE!!!

Of course, as we have experienced many times in our adoption... we are dealing with a delay in receiving our approval letter. We have also been warned about some (possible) future delays that could affect our FINAL approval. So I wanted to post today to share what we're waiting on (and how you can pray as we wait!)

1) First of all, we need our 2 - I800 approval letters to come in the mail - one to us, and the other to the National Visa Center. I'm not sure why they have to come through mail in a time when email is instant - but they must be mailed! So we are pacing and waiting on the mailman every day! We really, really expected it to be in our hands (and at the NVC) by now - but it's not. So PLEASE pray it comes quickly (to both locations) and that the NVC (National Visa Center) gets it into their system ASAP! We cannot move forward until these letters arrive! 

2) Secondly - we need our fingerprints to be refreshed by US Immigration and the FBI as quickly as possible! We've been told this could take anywhere from 1-5 weeks. Our fingerprints "expire" (ridiculous I know) on November 13th, and they must be "refreshed" in the system before our last piece of paperwork gets approved. For this step - please pray that our Immigration Officer moves quickly to start the process, that the FBI handles their part of the "refreshing" process quickly, and that the "refresh" is uploaded into the system for Immigration and the National Visa Center quickly. 

3) And finally - we need our Article 5 approved by the US Embassy. This is the FINAL piece of approval we need to be able to take custody of our daughter! We cannot take custody without it. In order for this to happen the Embassy has to get our I800 letter, our fingerprint refresh, and a final form that our agency will submit. Once that Article 5 is issued - it's time to get Kate!

I know this is all probably hard to follow, but I wanted to explain what we're waiting on so that our friends and family can understand what's next for us. This entire process could happen very quickly (in a matter of 1-2 weeks)... or it could take more than a month. That "unknown" has put us in a difficult position.

Once we take custody of our daughter, we have to attend a Thai Adoption Board meeting (before we can get her visa and leave the country). There are only 2 Board Meetings left this year.... December 1st and December 21st. If we have any hope of having our daughter home for Christmas - we have to make it to the December 1st Adoption Board Meeting. That means we need this Article 5 approval to come in before Thanksgiving (November 24th) so that we can take custody of Kate on Thanksgiving Day!

Will you pray with us? We have endured 4 very difficult Christmases since we started our adoption process. It would be a dream come true to have her home for Christmas this year! We are so close to this miracle coming true... but we need this final approval!

Right now, we are prayerfully considering traveling to Thailand to wait on the approval. If we are in Thailand - poised and waiting - then we could take custody of Kate as soon as the approval comes in. If we are at home waiting, and the approval comes at the last minute, we won't have time to book tickets, fly to Thailand, and take custody before the December 1st Board Meeting. There is, however, some risk of us getting "stuck" in Thailand for a few extra weeks if we take a chance and the approval doesn't come this month.

Please pray for us as we make this difficult decision. Please pray for everything to happen in these government offices as quickly as possible. Pray for efficient and compassionate workers. Pray against errors - we have dealt with a lot of errors in our paperwork/process the past few months. Even the smallest error can cause a big delay! Please pray for people to do their jobs with excellence and for FAVOR with every step!

*** Our "Waiting for Kate" shop is still open! If you'd like to help us bring our daughter home, please donate and/or buy a bracelet HERE! ***

Help Us Bring Kate Home!

Get excited friends! Today we're announcing a tangible way that you can be a part of bringing our daughter home! After a 4 year and 8 month adoption journey, we have finally created a fundraising page for our adoption. Check it out here!

http://waitingforkate.storenvy.com

Our adoption process has been very difficult, and we're so grateful that we haven't had to fundraise until now. We don't make a lot of money in the line of work that we do (they call it a non-profit for a reason! Haha!) - but so far our adoption fees have been paid through an adoption grant we were awarded from Help Us Adopt, and a gift from a very generous family member. Unfortunately, as our adoption journey has continued on much longer than we ever anticipated, costs have increased. 

Not only have we had to pay renewal fees (during our lengthy process), but we recently lost our home study agency (they are having financial issues) and we had to start over with a new agency for the remainder of our adoption. This cost us an additional $850 that was not in our budget. We also found out that our daughter's Certificate of Citizenship cost is set to increase soon from around $600 to more than $1,100.

We are hoping to travel to meet Kate sometime in the next 3-6 weeks, and we plan to stay in Thailand for at least a month (to allow our daughter some time to adjust while remaining in her home country). Our agency agrees that is the best thing for our daughter, and they believe it will give her the best chance for a healthy transition. Unfortunately, we might be traveling near or during the holidays, which could make travel more expensive. We may also have to book flights last minute - which increases the price as well. So we’ve decided to do a little fundraiser to help off-set some of our travel expenses (and to help us handle some of these unexpected increases).

We bought these very special leather bracelets on our last trip to Thailand. They were handmade by a Thai artisan and stamped with the words “Waiting for Kate” and “James 1:27”. If you’d like to buy one (or more than one) it would certainly be a blessing to us! We hope they’ll serve as a reminder to pray for our daughter (while we wait to get her, while we’re in Thailand together, and after we’re home and transitioning together too!) and as a reminder to pray for orphans around the world!

http://waitingforkate.storenvy.com

For those of you who simply want to give a donation, you can choose to donate through our page, or you can add a donation to your bracelet order. If you prefer to send a donation via mail, please make out the check to Rusty Jackson and write "adoption" in the memo line. You can mail your check to: PO Box 320044, Birmingham, AL 35212. [These donations are not tax deductible.]

Thank you in advance for helping us bring Kate home! 

Thailand, we mourn with you.

We awoke this morning to heartbreaking news from Thailand. Today we are mourning with our Thai friends and family over the death of their beloved King.

His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej accomplished so many wonderful things for his country during his 70 year reign. He was the longest reigning monarch in history, and I have never seen any leader more loved or respected than he was. He helped make Thailand the great nation it is today - through healthcare improvements, educational and economic programs, and great developments in agriculture and water conservation... among many other accomplishments far too lengthy to list here. We have always admired his devotion to his country and his love for his people, and their love for him.

For many days and years to come, his people will grieve the loss of their devoted King and faithful Father. Though our daughter may not fully understand this loss, she too will join her people in a time of mourning. Our hearts are broken for our little girl and for her beautiful country. Please pray for Thailand during this difficult time.

Light in the Darkness

That last blog was tough to read, wasn't it? It was tough to write too. It's still hard to see all those difficult things in black and white... and harder still to know there are even more challenges we've faced over the past 6 weeks that I can't share publicly. I'm not being dramatic when I say that I have been in the pit of despair. I have cried almost every day (sometimes multiple times a day) for more than a month. It's been brutal friends... there is nothing else I can say about it but that. Brutal.

BUT GOD.... 

(aren't those two words powerful?) 

But God wouldn't let us stay in the dark for too long before the light broke through. It turns out, He hadn't completely abandoned us after all. (Big surprise.... right? ;)

Last Wednesday I spent the morning in my counselor's office... crying until I couldn't see and baring my soul to a kind, compassionate stranger who worked to comfort me in the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation. The last we heard from our adoption agency, our Article 16 had "apparently not been issued", although they'd told us earlier in the month that it had. We knew that most families wait 7-10 months for this approval, and we were once again facing that timeline (which would mean we would miss another Christmas with our daughter and her 4th birthday). But God...

I left our counselor's office and noticed a text from Rusty to call him as soon as I got out. My heart sank. When I heard the stress in his voice, it sank even lower. "Are you coming home?" he asked. "No, I was going to run some errands," I responded. "You need to come home," he urged. After the handful of "bad news" phone calls we've had in the past few weeks, I just knew something else had gone wrong. "What's happened now?" I sighed - exhausted by the possibilities. And then he said some of the most beautiful words I've ever heard...

"We got our Article 16 from Thailand! 

We're APPROVED!!!!!!! 

I'm holding it in my hands right now!"

I cannot even begin to describe the flood of emotions I felt in that moment. After crying all my sad tears in the counselor's office just moments earlier, I burst into fresh tears of joy right there in the parking lot. Once I composed myself, I rushed home to complete our next round of paperwork so our agency could Fed-Ex it to US Immigration that afternoon.

For those of you asking, "What is an Article 16? What on earth does this mean?" - allow me to explain. Our Article 16 is a HUGE approval from the Thai government. It is the paperwork that allows us to take custody of our daughter, and bring her home to the US. It's the next step that we've been waiting on before we could move forward in our process. And it usually takes 7-10 months (or longer) to receive.

But somehow - by the grace of God - ours was approved in 4 months and 2 weeks. (It turns out it was actually approved September 7th! Our agency was mistaken when they told us it hadn't been!) This is an incredible miracle!!!

So - what's next? We have already taken the next step to apply for our I800 (US Immigration Approval). This usually takes 2-3 weeks or longer. Then we have to submit our DS260 (to request that Kate's visa is printed while we're in Thailand). If everything goes according to schedule - we should be traveling to get our daughter sometime in the next 4 - 8 weeks!!!!

I still can't wrap my mind around that possibility. My heart and head are completely overwhelmed! We have gone from utter devastation to exhilarating joy in a matter of days. It's still hard for me to believe it's true.

And while I am SO joyful and grateful and excited... I'd be lying if I said that everything is okay now. I still don't know what that "August" word from God meant. I still have a lot of questions for God about our adoption, and what we've endured. Both Rusty and I still have a lot to work through from the past 6 weeks (and past 4 years and 7 months) of this difficult process. So I will continue to see my counselor, and we will continue to press in to get as healthy as possible before we travel (and after we're home). But friends - it feels so good to have HOPE again.

God has been revealing some things to me about His faithfulness (despite our recent circumstances) that I'll try to share here soon... but for now, will you please pray with us for the rest of our process? It would be a dream come true if we could manage to make it to the November 2nd Adoption Board Meeting (but that would mean we would have to fly to Thailand the last week of October - and it would mean our next 2 approvals would have to happen really quickly!) Please pray with us for these approvals to happen AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! Pray for no more delays or errors or issues. Pray for us to be able to book travel quickly (and for our flights not to be too terribly expensive, since they will likely be booked close to our travel time). Pray for our hearts and minds as we do all the final preparation to bring Kate home. And please pray for our sweet baby girl. The day we meet her will be one of the happiest days of our lives.... but one of the hardest for her. Please pray for God to prepare her heart to join our family.

When Your Mountain Doesn't Move

August has come and gone. Our mountain did not move... and our miracle did not come. Not only did we not travel to get our daughter in August... we didn't even get our Article 16 approval from Thailand. Nothing good happened that month in our adoption. As far as we know... nothing happened at all.

After hearing God speak "August" to my heart for weeks and weeks, this lack of movement was truly devastating. You see... I didn't randomly pick August out of a desire to travel then. I had no reason to believe we'd get approval then either. But I heard God speak it so clearly to me... and then watched as He confirmed it with friends too. Some had dreams. Others had their own signs of confirmation. Rusty and I prayed, and praised, and worked to prepare in faith. We just knew August was our month.

I've never been so sure of a word from God before. I've never stepped out in faith so publicly before. It was incredibly vulnerable and scary... but I had so. much. peace. So I did it anyway.

And then nothing happened.

I can't begin to describe how it felt to see August come and go with no movement. It shook my faith to the core. I've asked a lot of hard questions the past few weeks. Questions like, "Did I hear God's voice? Can I even discern it anymore? After years of doing ministry... how could I miss this?! How could I get this wrong? And how do I move forward in my faith and my work if I can't discern God's voice anymore?"

"What if I can hear God's voice... and He did say August. Did He change His mind? If He changed His mind... then how do I trust Him anymore? What if He didn't change His mind... but He wasn't able to do this for us? Is He not omnipotent after all?"

"Our daughter is growing up without us. We've been fighting for her for almost 5 years. Why won't God move on our behalf? Why won't He intervene? We have hundreds of people praying for our adoption all over the world. Is God not listening? Doesn't He care? How does our situation not move Him to action? Do any of our prayers even matter?"

I feel weak confessing that these are my questions right now... but I have been honest with you all throughout this process, and I want to keep being honest and vulnerable. Things haven't been very pretty around here lately. Most days I waver between intense anger and deep sadness... all while searching desperately for meaning in this dark, difficult season.

I've listened to this song at least a dozen times since August. These words ring true to my heart...

I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So I followed through...

But somehow I ended up here

I don't want to think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I've got is hurt and these four words...

... but I can't manage to sing the rest of the song. "Thy will be done" is a scary thing to pray when you aren't sure if God's will includes getting your daughter home. And "your plans are for me... goodness you have in store" are difficult words to sing when you're questioning the goodness of God.

The last 6 weeks have held some of the darkest days of my life. On top of the devastating realization that we wouldn't be traveling in August, we've dealt with additional delays, errors, and issues with our adoption. In the past month and a half - we've been told that we likely wouldn't have Kate home until the Spring of 2017 (which means we'd miss another Christmas and her 4th birthday). We were then told that we got a big approval from Thailand - so we got hopeful again... only to have hope dashed 12 days later when we were told that there was a mistake and the approval actually didn't happen. And then, that same week, we found out that we lost our home study agency here in Alabama, and we would have to start over with new paperwork, more fees, and a whole new agency to continue moving forward.

To say that we have been through the ringer would be an understatement. Our new agency told us that what we're enduring is considered a "traumatic adoption". They've been wonderful, and they're very compassionate... but they're concerned with how all we've endured will affect us once we're home with our daughter.

I'm concerned too. For a long time I felt that our struggle was strengthening us. I've tried so hard to press in to this process and to grow through the pain and waiting. I've searched for answers and meaning and lessons from God throughout the past 4 years and 6 months. But after fighting for our daughter for so long, I was finally pushed past my breaking point last month. My faith was crushed. God has seemed distant and silent. It has been hard to see any goodness or hope in our situation lately.

If I'm being honest, I have struggled to find any comfort or peace since August passed. Scripture seems hollow. My prayers seem so pointless. It feels like they're bouncing off the ceiling. Most of the songs that would usually touch my heart instead make me bitter and angry. This is the one song I've been able to listen to... and it's been playing on repeat all month. It doesn't give me any answers.... but it's nice to know that someone else who has "lived a life of faith" has struggled with this kind of darkness and doubt.

I'm confessing all of this here because I don't want to hide the hard parts of our journey. I don't have any answers about why we're enduring this... and there have been days lately that it's been hard not to walk away from our adoption.

But I keep reminding myself that my daughter is NOT the cause of my pain. It's true that we have faced so much injustice and brokenness in our process... but NONE of this is her fault. Our sweet little girl is an innocent victim in all of this too! And she deserves a family. She deserves to be fought for. (Every child does.) 

So we are continuing to fight... but we're also calling in reinforcements. I am wounded and weary from this long, hard-fought battle... and the war isn't over yet. So I started seeing a Christian counselor last week (after a friend forced me to make an appointment) - and it was one of the best things I could have possibly done. I wish so much that I'd done it sooner! My counselor was horrified to hear all we've endured, and she is helping me work through it all so that when Kate comes home, I'll be in a healthier place spiritually and emotionally to parent her.

---------------------------------

If you're reading this, and you're going through a dark season yourself... then I hope this post helps you not feel so alone.... and I hope you'll consider finding a counselor you can talk to as well. I felt a lot of shame for "not being strong enough" and needing to go to counseling... but the truth is, we were never meant to shoulder all our burdens alone. When our bodies get overwhelmed with bacteria or viruses - we get help. We go to the doctor! So when our hearts, minds, and souls get overwhelmed with injustice and loss and grief - we shouldn't be expected not to seek help for that too! None of us are superhuman. If you feel like you can't do it alone - you're probably right! And there's no shame in that. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to ask for help. Asking for help isn't giving up the fight - it's just calling in reinforcements! No one can fight alone on the front lines forever.