I am sick.
Imagine the worst stomach virus you've ever had. The kind you pray to be rid of as soon as possible. The kind that only lasts a few days because your body can't handle much more than that. Now imagine having it for 10+ months.
Tonight I was the sickest I can ever remember being.... and what I really want to do is just curl up in a ball in bed and never get up again. I feel defeated. I want to QUIT. And I definitely don't want to write another blog about it all.... because I'm TIRED of talking about how sick I am... and I'm tired of having to be vulnerable... and it's embarrassing to have intimate health details out on the internet.
And part of me tells me I should share what I'm going through with you all because you have been SO faithful to pray for me in the past (and I need that kind of prayer!) And part of me doesn't want to share.... because my faith isn't so strong right now. I feel doubtful.... doubtful that your prayers will work, because they haven't worked yet..... and, well.... to be honest, I am tired of praying about this.
Don't get me wrong - I still trust God. I still know that He is good - despite my sickness. I know that it could be so much worse - I could be sicker. I could be dying. I could be starving and alone. I still know I am blessed. And I still know that He can heal me. But this sickness has taken all my faith, and all my patience, and all my "positive attitude". Now I'm just tired. And frustrated. And confused.
Why would God call me here to have me sit in the apartment - SICK - unable to go out and do ministry?? He has healed me twice before.... why won't He heal me again???
I don't have the answers. I just wanted you to know where I am.... where we are (because Rusty is as frustrated and upset about this as I am). We still think I have parasites. At this point I've been to 3 doctors in the US. I've taken 3 rounds of Mebendazole. I've taken 300 pills of Parasitin. I've tried black walnut extract, pumpkin seeds, a colon cleanse, acidophilus, and roasted papaya seeds. And with every treatment I've been hopeful - positive that this one would work. And sometimes it did.... for a few days. And my hopes soared, and we were sure I was healed! And then... a few days later, I'd be sicker than I was before the treatment.
That's where I am again, here in Thailand. I've tried my last possible "natural" treatment (and another dose of Mebendazole) only to be the sickest I have ever been.
I've had people come to my house and pray HEALING over me. Rusty and I have prayed for healing night after night after night. I've declared wholeness over my body and proclaimed that I would not receive sickness or parasites!
And nothing has changed.
And I feel defeated.
And I'm sick of being sick.
And I'm ANGRY. I'm angry that I'm here in Thailand and I can't DO what I came here to DO. I'm angry that my husband has to take care of me all the time. I'm angry that my sickness has to be taken into consideration every where I go, and that the fear that I'll end up sick hangs over my head like a cloud every time I eat a meal.
And I'm scared. I'm scared of going to a foreign hospital and seeing a doctor I don't know and don't trust. I'm scared of having blood drawn and tests run (because I am hysterically terrified of needles). I'm scared that I have some horrible parasite that I can't get rid of, or that could have done permanent damage to my body in some way. I'm scared we'll do a bunch of painful and expensive tests and that we still won't know what's wrong with me! I'm scared I won't ever be healthy enough to have children. I'm really scared that maybe something else really terrible is wrong and we just think it's parasites.
10 months is a long time to try to "stay positive" and "keep the faith". So I'm being REAL with you here.... this is how I feel and this is what I'm working through right now. Many of you have asked how you can pray specifically for me - well I hope the information above helps you know. Not only am I miserable almost every night, but our work here is limited because of this sickness.
And I don't believe that's God's will.... but I don't know how to get over this.
We have a Thai friend who is a nurse in Bangkok who is researching the best doctor of parasitology for me to see in Chiang Mai. She has a call in to a friend here and will get back to us ASAP. At that point I guess we will start the process of more tests and more treatments..... so I am asking you to please, please keep me in your prayers.
I need to be HEALED. We need a miracle.